No ‘kid’ding, this

While you may dread bringing up the ‘S’ word with your kids, it is a must-talk-about topic, experts say

‘Mum, where did I come from?’ That is a common question that most parents face. But it’s not the question you need to focus on. What’s more important is how you, as a parent, react when your child asks you this basic yet very complicated question? Do you cringe and say ‘Chee! Don’t ask such questions’ or tell him/her ‘the good old stork dropped you in my lap’ story or give him/her a simple and practical answer? Experts vouch for the fact that how you answer this all important query can in fact, make quite a life-long impact on your child. 

So, what is the right age to start talking to your child about sex and exactly how much should you divulge? According to Seema Hingorrany, clinical psychologist, parents should drop hints right from the time the child is three-and-a-half years old. “You can’t tell them about sex as they will not be able to comprehend it. However, right from that tender age, it’s very important to teach them about a good touch versus a bad one, especially from those in close contact with them,” she says. Seema adds that parents must teach their tiny tots about touching their private parts — that no one should touch them there and in case it happens, that they report it immediately to mum or dad and that it is a bad habit to touch or scratch one’s private parts in public. 

According to Swati Popat Vats, president of a popular education network, the ideal age to initiate a sex conversation is one year before puberty sets in. “Also, even when they are younger, if they ask sex-related questions, answer them simply and frankly, and don’t bother about technical details. What is most important is not say chee or show disgust when the child asks such questions. This way, you only reinforce in their minds that sex is a dirty thing and the kid will start feeling ashamed about his/her sexual urges,” she explains. 

Most parents, however, are very apprehensive and dread the conversation and are more than happy to leave the task to someone else, most often the child’s teachers. “Even though parents may not be aware of it, children often discuss about sex in their peer groups. Hence, they are aware about it. The reason why parents need to talk to children is so that they get the right information and are not left confused by heresy, or wrong information from the Internet” says Swati. Seema adds that most parents tend to get hyper when they have to have ‘the talk’ with kids. “Maintain your tone and maintain eye contact,” she says. 

The most important thing to remember is to keep the conversation simple and understandable. According to experts, a five-year-old can be told that s/he came out from mummy’s tummy and show them pictures of a baby in the womb. A seven-year-old can be told about how an egg, that came from papa, got planted in mummy’s tummy and then became him/her and came out after nine months. For children between 11 and 13 years of age, experts say, it is fine for parents to explain the basic concepts of sex. For kids over 14, however, it is important to explain the term sex clearly including conception and contraception. 

Queenie, mother to a 15-year-old girl and a 12-year-old boy, says that though she hasn’t spoken to them directly about sex, she keeps telling them about real life stories and relate them to various sexual terms. “As parents, we’d all like to believe that out kids are good and brought up well. But there are a lot of outside influences that are beyond our control. Hence, I make it a point to clearly explain the basic concepts to my kids,” she adds. 

Pooja Bedi, meanwhile, says that she has taught her kids, 12-year-old Aliya and 10-year-old Omar, how to differentiate a right touch from a wrong one, right from a young age. “More importantly, I told them that it’s never their fault and that they should come and tell me about it immediately and I’ll ensure that it won’t happen again,” she adds. About the actual talk, she says she’ll need to broach it with her daughter in about a year’s time. “Right now she is in the whole anti-boys phase,” she laughs. 

Seema says that when the child broaches some sex-related topic, parents must treat it as a regular conversation. ‘Tell them that it’s normal for them to feel confused about sex at that age. Don’t accuse them. This will only cause your child to develop a fear about sex and that’s not something you want happening,” she concludes.